On my knees

2011-12-08T06:16:00.002+08:00

you are the peace that guards my heart, my help in times of need.
And you are the hope that leads me on, that brings me to my knees.
For there i find you waiting, and there i find release
So with all my heart i worship
and unto you i sing

For you alone deserve all glory
For you alone deserve all praise
Father we long to see your glory
Father we long to see your face

Thanks

2011-11-23T06:51:00.002+08:00

Thank you Lord for the little things in my life, and for the big things. Thank you for the things that make me happy, and the things that saddens me. Thank you for your unconditional love, your divine patience, and for your work on the cross.

Thank you for the wife you gave and every laughter smile that we've shared.

Thank you for the job that i have and every person i have met along the way.

Thank you for your provision, and for reminding me that life is but a brief pilgrimage on this blue globe.

thank you Jesus.

Thanksgiving

2010-09-23T00:38:00.002+08:00

I still can't figure out how i passed my MMED part 1.
The whole exam has been playing over and over in my head despite my attempts to exorcise it.
I had already condemned myself to failure and was all but waiting for the axe to fall, and so i had asked a friend to help me get the result cos i couldnt bear to go down and get it myself.
When i learned that i passed, i almost cried with tears of relief.

I felt that i screwed up the essays.
The statistics question was on 95% confidence interval and asked for an example which i couldn't give cos my mind was just a blank.
The Wiggers diagram was drawn and redrawn 3 times and the final version done in 5 minutes with little in the way of annotations as there was simply no time.
There was a question on additives but i couldnt remember which drug had which additive so i basically just guessed.
There was a question on blood products used in coagulopathy and i am not sure what there was to write about other than FFP platelets packed cells and factor VII.
There was a question on why propofol and remifentanyl are used together as an infusion, and i just wrote a whole mass of words about their pk pd as i didnt know wat they were looking for exactly.
There was a question on principles of oxygen measurement in clinical practice and i left out writing about paramagnetic analysis. and i couldnt remember what the difference btw clarke and fuel cell really was and guessed most of it.

For the viva:
pharmaco=> they asked about the structure-relationship for morphine which i didn't study at all as clara poon didn't have notes on it and i don't think amanda had anything in the past year questions of late. (i didn't cover very far back only till 2000). They asked me about codeine as there was an external examiner and i knew little of it other than the fact that it is a pro-drug and gets converted into morphine. I forgot to mention the differential in metabolism that results in varying degrees of efficacy.

They asked about clonidine and dexmetomedine and i fumbled through their receptor action on alpha 2, and on the preesynaptic effect on noradrenaline etc. And who in the world can remember the dose of clonidine.

They went through the dose effect curves which i thankfully studied that very morning at like 4am. But i needed a lot of prompting in order to provide useful information from that graph. yes, my graph starts from zero, and yes the curve for the elderly gets shifted to the left.

They started asking a bit on remifentanyl but time ran out.

Physio:
They asked me how in to measure osmolarity. I couldnt remember my MBBS stuff and mistakenly gave a hybrid answer that comprised of how to measure anion gap. Its supposed to be 2x (Na+K+gluc+urea) but i said that it was Na+K+CL+HCO3. Needed prompting to mention urea and glucose but i never got the whole formula right, and this was just the first question. Supposedly the easiest.

They then asked me about the difference between osmolarity and tonicity and i fumbled through an answer and squeeze the phrase "in the context of a particular cell membrane" somewhere in the answer. I still don't know if that is the right answer.

They asked my about haldane and double haldane effect and i was able to draw it. But i was not able to say exactly how much the contribution for each is.
They asked about ABG results in a pregnant woman which i managed to answer.
They asked about what happens when 1L of blood is lost from the body in the matter of 10min and i managed a somewhat decent answer. I needed prompting before I gave them the answer they were looking for about recruitment of fluid from the interstitial fluid spaces. I just kept harping on starling's forces and how less fluid gets squeezed out of the capillaries without mentioning that the net effect is that there is less interstitial fluid.
They started to ask about the complement system and ran out of time after asking about the alternative pathway and about the action of C3b.

I passed only because of God's mercy. I didn't study half as hard as other people. I made more mistakes in easy questions compared to other people. I watched 2 seasons of 24, and played and completed fallout3 in the 2 weeks prior to the exam. I made ZERO of my own notes, and would be dead if my friend hadn't passed me clara poon's notes and introduced me to amanda diaz' website. I slept 12 hours a day in the days preceding the exams. I started studying only when i came back to singapore in the middle of june, and decided to continue in anaesthesia and taking the exams only at the end of june. So i had july, and august and 2 weeks of september. I started taking leave in the 2nd week of june. So timewise, it was tight but i wasn't really able to concentrate.

Mercy vs justice. as i told dr naville and many others, if i pass it'll be mercy cos i don't deserve it. If i fail, it will be justice, a matter of reaping what you sow.

Others studied harder, and some have failed it for a second or third time. I can't say i did anyting smart that i can claim credit for. So it's all about mercy. It's been mercy all the way.

Running out of time

2010-08-26T21:10:00.003+08:00

as i study for my mmed exams, i am more and more aware that time is running out.... duhz...

and because time is running out, i am starting to wonder why on earth i am spending time on things i don't really feel is very important. like showering and brushing my teeth and grooming myself. =)or watching movies or reading novels or playing computer games for that matter.

If time is so finite, and if i may be whisked off somewhere out out this blue marble that we are in, then i might as well spend all my time just staring at my loved ones and holding their hands.

So why do i brush my teeth (Thank God!) and wash up and do all the other hedonistic things that i do? Social convention is one. Plus the fact that there is another element at play here.

I need to find meaning in the things i do. And for lack of a better word, i am looking for "fun". It seem inappropriate using "fun" to describe the reason for living. But just bear with me as i seek to explain myself.

Green peace activists make it their mission to fight global warming and make the world last a bit longer for posterity. They do it because they believe there is something beautiful in the world still. They find joy in seeing a seedling sprout in spring, in the volcanic lava that engulfs the plains and give birth to new islands. They do what they do in protecting the environment because there is fun to be had in the world. It's fun to be a greenie. sign up today!

Al queda (is that how u spell this) believe in the conversion of the world to their cause. Hell bent (no pun intended) on administering their own justice and ridding the world of infidels via various methods not excluding weapons of mass destruction, they bolster their numbers biologically (you'll be amazed at how many kids they have), and spread their network of satellite groups all over the world including in our own backyard. Yes, even they are having fun. It is fun to blow things up and tear things apart if you really believe the things are evil. It is fun to see people get so worked up because you don't subscribe to their version of justice. It is sick kinda of fun, but some people enjoy having that meaning and purpose. The human mind and conscience is extremely pliable... look at the Nazi experiment. It is even easier to subvert a group than an individual on his or her own.

So i brush my teeth and bathe, and play games and watch tv because life needs to be fun. There is a need for immediate fun, and long term fun.
playing stuff is immediate fun.
brushing my teeth so that my wife will make love to me is for the purpose of intermediate fun.
slogging it out studying so that i can get a cushy job and do what i like in my spare time is for long term fun.
loving people and helping the poor and less fortunate is for eternal fun.
But we can't just wait for heavenly bread or we will starve to death in the meantime.
We need to down every morsel we can lay our hands on.
Live is fun, and so is studying.

Mercy not sacrifice

2010-08-10T19:03:00.003+08:00

I ask for mercy not justice
for i know that i can do nothing on my own
and i deserve only judgement
I ask for mercy
and in return i will be a sacrifice
take me i am yours
unholy and broken as i am
if its worth something, then take all of me
and make me into something beautiful

the end of rhymes
the end of reasons and rationalisations
i am a sinner so help me God
and breathe one me once more
before i vacillate again into a state of indifference.

Amen.

James

2010-07-16T21:11:00.003+08:00

Been reading the book of James... and God has been speaking to me thru the verses there.

I have found the source of my discontent. It stems from my lack of relationship with God. For the past 4 years or so since i graduated, i have been a double-minded man, a hypocrite. I called myself a christian, but did not live out the words of Christ. Instead, i sought out my own pleasures and deviced my own means to live my life. I went to church but out of habit and reluctance, with scarcely any hunger for the word. I read the bible but did not expect answers there. I fell prey to the philosophy of relativism, believing that Christianity lacks absoluteness and leaves itself to be interpreted in this day and age. My wisdom became my foolishness. My pride blinded me to how rotten, sinful i have become.

I wanted to find happiness meaning and purpose once more. I sought it through books that advocated positive thinking, did personality tests, and sought the advice of many people in anticipation that a career change may do me some good. I played countless hours of computer games, ate my way to fatness, watched hundreds of hours of movies and TV series. But i was unhappy.

I thought abt anti-depressants, but i knew that it'd change my personality and leave me a shell and mess up my sleep.
Death would have been an escape but for my commitments to my loved ones.

Then somehow i read the bible, and i prayed. And i hid the Word of God in my heart. And i knew what was wrong.

The answers to many problems are perceivable by even children. The beginning of any answer lie in looking around, but in looking up. And so I am on my knees again. And i pray:

"Father forgive me my sinful ways. I have disobeyed you and sought my own pleasure and my own solutions. I have not taken your precious Word and hidden it in my heart. Instead i have hidden shameful things, and desecrated the temple of the Holy Spirit. Have mercy on me once more. Lead me back to You. Never let me go please... even though i am weak and stubborn, carry me back to You once more. I love You. I need You. Grant me the wisdom to make it through this life victoriously, so that when i lay my head down for my final rest i'd have no regrets."

Changing jobs will not make things better when the problem lies in my heart. I need to clean up. Otherwise the feelings that spring forth will not be sanctified or reliable. When everything gets confusing and choices abound, and my heart is drifting this way and that... i would go to Jesus who's sleeping in the storm... and do nothing but rest at His feet. To be still, and know that He is God.

Stay in anaesthesia. Clean up my heart. Take the exams in the meantime. Finish my bond in 2 years. See what adventures lie in store after that.

2010-04-29T21:52:00.002+08:00

I will call upon the name of the Lord and be saved.

A million things swirling in my mind.
A million choices to be made... well... maybe not, just 3 choices...
Should I join RHG or PG or AKC??
Why is it so hard to decide? Why why why???

I guess when i was little, i was never brought up to be confident and self assured... nor to be decisive. It's hard to be decisive when you're being told that you are wrong all the time. Choices were always made for me, so that even now at the age of 30 i am not as confident as others might make me out to be. I had to train myself to emulate others, to imbibe something as part of my character and personality from the word "go" instead of gradually trying to change and feel it coming naturally.

I second guess myself. I think about the alternatives i have left behind and like Lot's wife in Sodom, i keep turning back instead of looking forward. God forgive my double-mindedness. Forgive my pride and my self-pity. Forgive my selfishness, my lust of the flesh and of the eyes. Forgive me for not desiring what You truly desire.

I pray for good ppl to advice me on my path. I pray for wisdom from above. I pray that the path that i take will be pleasing unto You, will lead me and my family closer to You, and will ultimately result in me being more and more like You.

Which path will lead me to love you more, to know you more, to be more like you? It is truly very hard to say. I have always presumed that if i worked out of my strengths and enjoyed my work instead of working out of my weakness that i will be happier, and be "doing the will of God". I need to be transformed from inside out, and my mind needs to be renewed by the grace of God.

Let me choose from that godly perspective instead of from my own wanting of more wealth, comfort, security, excitement, challenge, and yes, even happiness.

There is none like You

2010-04-07T23:15:00.001+08:00

A lot of things are on my mind
But all i want to say is that:
There is none like You
And no one else can touch my heart like You do
And i can search for all eternity long
And find that there is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
And healing comes from Your hands
Suffering children are safe in Your arms
There is none like You

The other issues can wait. Lord Jesus, be glorified in me.

Interview

2010-04-06T23:13:00.002+08:00

Went for an interview today. Sprayed my orang utan head black which i thought was quite clever. The not so clever thing is that in combing my hair back with my fingers, my hand turned completely black and i spent 30min in the first floor toilet of Raffles Hospital trying to wash that black dye off. I thought it was supposed to be water-soluble... i guess not 100%.

Started the interview badly, making it look like i want a job there so that i can make money and learn the ropes on how to handle a business so that i can go out and set up my own business... which was essentially quite true anyway, but it came across with less finesse than i intended.

Went on to talk about where i saw myself 5 years from now... in a position of management i said, doing some part time clinical work. Stated my interest in innovation, entrepreneurship and such... and so he asked if i could speak chinese and would i like to go and work in China. It would put my career on the fast track he said. That certainly got my attention, although it would take some persuasion and a nice expensive handbag to coax the Mrs along.

Then there was talk on healthcare in Singapore, and Raffles vs its competitors like Healthway and Parkway. Quite insightful. Somehow in my enthusiasm to show that i wanted to contribute to healthcare i mentioned that i wanted to open hospitals for the poor overseas, and i must learn how to make it viable, or else grow my own business empire on the sidelines to maintain it. Lord have mercy, I don't really speak very well under stress haha... but at least i sounded passionate. He wanted an answer in 24hrs haha... i asked for 48hrs in my daftness. These things should be prayed and fasted through... Decisions should not be made hastily.

Oh Lord i thank you for today, for the things that transpired. Guard my heart against any foolishness. Help me to remember always that You are to come first, and loving myself and others second. Help me to use money and not to worship money. Help me to love and worship no one but You. Holy Spirit grant me the wisdom to make the right decision, and the courage to step into my destiny. Help me to rest and sleep well at night, and keep fear and anxiety far from me. For You have given me a Spirit of power, of courage and of a sound mind. So cover me with the blood of the Lamb, and forgive my sins, and help me to look at the world and at people with a childlike heart again, soft and sweet, ready to love, to hold, to cheerish... full of wonder and expectation for the glory of the Father to be revealed.

Amen.

P.S I think i love going for interviews. It reveals so much about the interviewers as much as it reveals things about myself. Woo hoo... bringit.

Dreaming again

2010-04-05T23:47:00.003+08:00

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength
Love your neighbour as yourself

------------------------------------------------

I have forgotten these 2 commandments taught to me as a child. It's a simple and yet impossible task to follow. And i don't think anyone can follow these commands albeit by the grace of God.

How do i love the Lord Jehovah with all that i am right here and right now?

-I can love Him with my thought process, offering my creativity, my concentration, my hopes, dreams, fears unto Him. In so doing i will relinquish any guise of control i have over my own life, and trade it for a peace that surpasses all understanding.

-I can honour Him with my body; disciplining it, caring for it as a temple of a living God, watching what i eat, watching how much i sleep, how much exercise i am getting; in this aspect i have been found wanting as well

-I can honour him with my time. Time spent in prayer. Time spent fasting. Time spent loving others, and serving Him not for the betterment of myself, but for the glorification of the Father. I can play less or no computer games since it does not benefit anyone, other than providing an escape from the mundane, and the short term rush of adrenaline.

What i really want to know is .... what should i do with the rest of my life? I can run hard and fast only if i am convinced that i am headed in the right direction. So where am i headed?

Anaesthesia is a blessing thus far. Good working conditions, calls are alright on average, and the people are generally nice. It's a safe route to go, with the only challenge being that of the exams. For the grace shown me thus far, i am grateful.

But there is a disquiet inside me. For years ago, a challenge was given, a gauntlet cast on the floor. The boy had picked it up and believed that he would make a big impact in the world, not by doing what is safe and sane, but by dreaming the biggest dream possible for God. In doing so, he would be able to love God with all his heart, and serve Man as much as he loved himself. This boy believed that he make a business that was successful and channel the funds into helping the less fortunate. This boy believed that he could influence policies in a country, and make a global impact.

This boy is a dreamer. He dreams of impossible things that people would scoff at. He dreams because he is not smart, charismatic, confident, consistent enough. This boy dreams because he has a heart of gold, a pure desire, and he knows that as long as he dreams, he will remain alive in a bitter reality.

That was 15 years ago. This boy has aged, but has not really matured very much. This boy has gone through a lot, but has not learnt that much at all. He realises that most adults don't know what they really want. He realises that the first and second commands of Jesus are all that really matters. He realises this only now... after many wasted opportunities and years. Everything has come a full circle. The things that he had accepted previously with a childlike faith were correct after all. And they are the only things that really matter. The wisdom that he had foolishly conjured on following the advice of "successful" people in the world was wrong.

I look at the mishappen reality about me and weep. I repent of my sins, of the bad things that i have done that deserve death, and repent of the good things that i have done. I bow down humbled. If there is no God, then nothing really matters, and live or die, it all ends up the same. But i know there is a God, because of the miracles in my mother, and because of the work in my life. And though doubt seems to have tattooed itself onto my back, i will be rid of it with a childlike heart.

So help me God.

Help me to love you, and love myself and others.
Help me to use money to bless others, and not use others to make money.

Help me to make the right decisions that will glorify You.
May you be the bottomline.
May you be my first love once again.
Rekindle that first love that once burn bright and strong,
That I may make a miracle out of my life once more...
and not be ashamed when i meet You face to face in heaven.

Strengthen my spirit man
Holy Spirit guard my heart
Jesus command your angels to surround me...
cover me with your blood and keep me from sin.
And help me to rise up and walk about with a glow from the Father's song once again.

Carry me home

2010-04-05T22:18:00.003+08:00

Carry me home
To the place i truly belong
where my songs are truly heard
and my soul is fully known

Carry me home
Before this night is through
Before love fades to cynicism fades to grey fades away
Before nothing is real anymore

Carry me home
To the place where i belong
To the ones i love or have loved before
To a home that means more than these sullen walls

A bit more time

2009-07-21T21:00:00.002+08:00

Post call, again lol... didn't sleep last night, but had the opportunity to toss on a bed at least. Tried to keep out the cold with 3 blankets but that still didn't work... NUH has a very powerful centralised air con. Transferred a case to SICU at 9am, felt too tired to drive and so i went back to toss in that refrigerator of a call room for another 3 hours before mustering the courage to go home.

got hungry... went to west coast plaza, what was formerly known as ginza plaza to grab a bite and some groceries before heading home. Saw a nice chinese restaurant, had a soup that was meant to be shared between 4 ppl, ended up ta baoing home.

Slept, got up multiple times to pee... dun noe why i am diuresing.

Woke up, no dinner. Ate a canister of pringles.

Now sitting and blogging in a zombie like state.

Another typical post call day. Another 6 years of this to go. O Lord have mercy...

man oh man

2009-06-09T21:20:00.002+08:00

came back from work. lying in my bed. feel a sense of frustration. feel tt maybe i dun really wanna be a doctor. feel that maybe i dun wanna live the rest of my life in this manner anymore. so many years come and gone. so many more yet to come.

oh lord come and rescue me. come to me quickly before i mati. i dun noe what to do wif myself. i dun noe what to do wif my life. come and make me the sort of person that i was born to be. dun leave or forsake me pls. i am undeserving of ur grace and love. your majesty extends to the heavens and stars, and i am filled with wonder once more. remove my iniquities. remove the scales from my eyes. free my heart and thaw my soul, that i might love thee once more.

should i do public health and family medicine? or should i do anaesthesia? or general surgery... or orthopaedics lol... man... i dun know what to do. all i know is that i dun look forward to work. waking up at 6.30am, going home at 6+pm daily, doing overnights, taking exams, coming back on weekends doesn't really appeal to me.

anesthesia: "gassing ppl"
intubating is fun, rescuing collapsing patient's and seeing the code blues' fun, but these are fortunately or unfortunately few and far in between. seeing premeds is a necesssary pain. charting for endless hours is boring, but can be quite therapeutic. moving the table up and down and tilting it that way and that is irritating. pandering to the whims of OCD consultants who can be peculiar or downright queer is certainly not wat i was born for.

ortho: chopping meat
chop chop chop. quite fun. nice to splash blood ard. nice to bang metal into marrows. not nice to become a bit more stupid in every other area of medicine. not fun when you probably contributed to the death of this and that person. not for me when i keep thinking abt the patient's screwed up hypocount when the consultant has already demanded that the patient be sent home with a TCU to polyclinic. the patient has 2 friggin stumps for lower limbs and his children gotta work. who the hell is going to send him to the polyclinic? and yet slowly, the longer i stay with them, the more i will become like them. nice to see chio drug reps. not so nice when i know that i will be tempted by them next time i turn con. dun wanna be another family tragedy. dun like the radiation from the x rays. dun like the hours.

GS:
care abt patients a bit more. no life till the prime of my life is almost over... i'll be late 30s before i get to stop doing calls. before that is a whole lot of shitwork... even tho i muz say that it is fun to operate.

family medicine:
between anaesthesia and this, this is probably more financially gratifying... but runs the risk of incessant boredom. almost died when i stayed for 8 hours to locum in a GP clinic the other day... it was a small room with no windows. i wouldnt mind doing it as a sideline job tho.

public health:
i dun noe what this is like lol. JnJ asked me to go join public health and i can enter the company at another level next time. GSK is expanding in this area in singapore. public health is abt the big picture. might give me good exposure. might get to study overseas. might be bored to death by the meetings and paperwork... or not. might be happy... or not.

there will be happy days at work, and some sad ones. But i sincerely believe that working is meant to be fun. I'm supposed to be filled with passion when i work.. but at the moment, these moments are few and far in between. More often i have a sense of dread, a sense that it's all such a waste... my being there. not cos it's not a good place with mostly good ppl and all, but becos i noe that as long as i stay there, my talents are locked up, dampened, fizzling out... dead. A can of pop soda left open too long.

Bite me.

public health:

Coffee Beans at East Coast Parkway... a funny sorta quiet time and reflection

2009-06-05T17:43:00.001+08:00

2009-06-05T17:36:00.000+08:00

2009-06-05T17:34:00.000+08:00

2009-06-05T17:30:00.000+08:00

Dream-maker

2009-06-05T16:27:00.002+08:00

Bring me a cup of tea
Sit with me
Listen to my story
Peel away the callousness
Melt away the suspicions
Drown the fears of living, of dying with a pint of beer
But as for me
Just give me my tea

Time trudges on relentlessly. I am at yet another cross-road. I need to decide what the hell, or heaven i am to do with me life. I have to choose what to specialise in. Anaesthesia? fam medicine+pub health?
I don't know what i really want for crying out loud. This is made worse by the fact that everyone ard me seems to be so certain of what they wanna do.
Come on.... i'm not even sure that i should be doing medicine in the first place.
Everyone is faking it... having an orgasmic time specialising so early, with so much certainty. I hear the howls of ectasy as they pass this exam and that, and come so much closer to becoming a registrar/consultant... whatever.

I wish i was jealous. But i am not...
I wish i was drawn to a pursuit of what they want.
I could borrow that mask they wear.
I could don it as my own.
Glue it on with a healthy dose of alcohol...
spin ard a couple of times.
And perhaps, just perhaps... that mask will become mine...
And my face will be like theirs... more homogenous, more indifferent
but ultimately less divine.

Some of us know what we were supposed to do when we grow up. Fireman, fisherman, policeman, doctor, lawyer, farmer...
Some of us don't know. Others know, but aren't given the opportunity. I know. And i have the opportunities, albeit i have to fight and bleed for it. I just lack the balls for it.

Opportunity cost is the thing that emasculates me,for i have to provide for my current and future family. Dare i take the risk? Or should i just continue cruising downstream via the path of least resistance? That would be to speciailise in anaesthesia, become a registrar, pass the friggin exams, do lotsa calls... pass more exams, do more calls, do more papers,kiss the right hairy arses, lick and polish the right pair of feragamos... in other words... be a whore of the system so as to reap the rewards and security that the system affords. Will i make it? Probably...
do i really want it?

And so, everytime i encounter that question i am paralysed with indecision. And unfortunately, i am drawn further and away from God. Some people draw closer to God during times of trial. Me, i tend to squirm a bit further away... cos i just want that decision made for me. It's easier to blame others for the fate that's made for us, than for me to twist the handle of that rusty blade into my own soul after a failure. Both routes of self-mutiliation bleed me... it's just that having others do it for me bleeds a little less. And the regret that results from that fuels me up to go on a bit further... as i entertain the what ifs as i consider another course of action now. But if i stumble and fall of my own doing, i may not get up at all. I know. It's peculiar. But it's one of those idiosyncracies about me, painted by the *yawnz* childhood experience and blah blah blah.

Jesus, take me as i am. For i can come no other way.

I see blood all over me today. It's strange... cos i didn't do anything. I am sitting on a golden stand, with smoke and fire all around me. Agony surrounds me. But i am not in agony. Blood all over me... but i am not bleeding. And so another miracle has occurred. For i am not my own. I am bought with a price. And just like that, everything changes. The choices i make are no longer my own. This life that i live is no longer my own. My back arches. A great ripping sound occurs. It is the sound of tearing flesh. But i feel no pain. I fly when i have no wings. I soar, carried on the tradewind of grace.

So today at coffee beans, at east coast park... on the last friday of my short leave... i know what i have to do with regards to my options wrt specialising. I just need to smile. For blood covers me.

bargain

2009-02-28T21:01:00.002+08:00

Make me a bargain i cannot refuse before this night is through. Make me a bargain wager it on your life, to bring me back to you. Tell me that it's all stacked up against me. Tell me that you bled and died and paid the highest price. Tell me that you still care for me. You still care for this lost soul. You still care for this bag of broken bones. You still draw me back to you. You still believe me when i've flirted my life away and come running back with a simple 'Daddy, i love you.' break my heart once more. I rush into your arms of love through a closing door. Holy Spirit i cannot come, you're going to have to fetch me.

welcome home

2009-02-28T20:45:00.001+08:00

testing photo uploading from my phone. :) my bro ian mathews in the photo. Taken when we were at wala wala.

Wishy washy

2007-10-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

Just came back from mooncake festival with the CG 7/8 ppl. Tired from post call in NUH Surgery, but managed to go post call today so i am q lucky.

Managed to get into ortho TTSH. Let's see where that will take me.
Got to sit down and consolidate again... have been juz drifting along, down the path of least resistance, which is not always the best path to be on. Am changing, not all for the better, but am not that hung up abt it. However, there will come a point in time where i'll need to think things through... but not tonight.

God help me =)

Callous

2007-02-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

It's been a long tiring year.
Sometimes i wish it didn't happen, sometimes i wish it did... this year.
I have changed somewhat... become stronger, albeit a bit harder... not as easily moved to compassion... there is too much death and suffering. Callous...

Sometimes i feel that i made a mistake in choosing this course. Sometimes i think tt i would be better off in a job that affords me more time and energy to care for others...
But it could be the lack of rest and sleep talking..

On call again.
Gtg.

AS IF

2006-05-01T00:15:00.000+08:00

Over the last couple of days, weeks, i have come to realise that there are recurring themes in my life. These are the lessons that i need to learn over and over again. There is no end to them, though i thought that at one stage i had passed the test.

I am afraid of what is going to happen in the next few days, weeks, months. I am afraid that i will not be able to handle the new changes in terms of work, friends... even my relationship with God is but a daily cry for a bit of His presence, a bit of His help before i seek to drown out the emotional disquiet with korean dramas like "Full House", reading books, and just hanging out with people. Most of the people don't know me. Not that i don't let them, but most of the time, they can't, cos to look into another person's soul, you need to look through the lenses of your own brokenness... something that most are afraid to confront.

"AS IF... "

That's the message written on the back of the dresser in my room since i was 13. During those troubled times, i had always looked to the Lord for a way out of the tsunami raging on inside as i tried to make sense of my family, friends, and God. As if... I can be whoever i want to be, all i need to do is to act "as if" i was already that person. I can be confident, i can be strong. I can be romantic, passionate, i can be studious, i can be stoic, relentless. I can cry, i can sing, i can dance. All i need to do is to act "as if" i was already there... and to really believe in it with all my heart. The philosophy is to act first... and let the feelings catch up later.... And shut out the static rumination that grumbles that you're faking it. As if... and that's how i really became me. It's totally different from the me before i lived my life by that principle. I had always been shy, quiet. Now, i am who i want to be. The only thing that limits me is my imagination, and a whole lot of strength and discipline. The guidelines for the "How to make a Tor" kit lie in the Bible. And for a long time, i stuck to those guidelines.

Every transition point, i am brought back to status quo. I become that small boy again. Divorced from friends and environment, and familiar set pieces in my life, i grapple with the old self, and the need for a new self. It might sound quite scary to most people, cos it's dark, so i don't talk about it.

As if... i can be a good doctor, cos i am. The fear doesn't belong... in a sort time, God will take it away. In the meantime, i will jump in believing that i am a good doctor, and i will let the emotions catch up. I just pray that i will not fail my patients in NUH surgery.

Watching Full House stirred something in me. It's sudden realisation that i am a man of fairy tales. I live for a fairy tale, and hope to make fairy tales come true. Dunno how to explain it. I want to dare to live, and not settle for less. Man, how do i put it down in writing...

Highlights of the week:

Fren flew my aeroplane for KTV early in the week. Arrange liao then not free last minute. No valid excuse. So will be smarter nex time when arranging... u know who u can count on.

Altered my jeans and restrung my tennis racquet n had chicken rice dinner with a good gal fren. Pretty hard to be frens with gals. I think deep down inside, i still dun believe in platonic friendships tho i am trying.

Friend introed me to his fren over dinner; i agreed to go cos i thot would have more ppl, and i wanted to meet up with him cos was feeling sian. Nice, funny, witty, cute i guess... kept spilling everything on my friend and on herself... lime juice, ice, mee. But rich, poised to be powerful in the judiaciary system, and likes pubbing/clubbing ( i still dunnoe the difference; tho my mum thinks i am pai4 and has confiscated my bottle of tequila despite my claims that i only sip from it occasionally) Am not ready. I only pray for grace... that when the right one comes, the chief engineer will make things happen for me. I will jus sit on my butt and be a good doc. In the meantime, i feel weird socialising, and asking people out in our small fraternity is like asking a whole bunch of gals out. Cos after that, they will all either like u or hate u at the same time. Asking nurses out is worse.... plugs might suddenly fall out suddenly, and my pager will never stop ringing. It will be easier if everyone including my mum stopped asking me if i am goin out with a gal everytime i dress a bit better than usual. Gets a bit tiring. "No, jus going out with a fren... no not a gal... no really... i dress like that cos i feel like it can? no need to intro me... yah... i know ur fren chio plays piano good heart and all but i rather it happen naturally tho i dunno how it will happen..."

Passed ACLS BCLS.

Made fun of a few people and realised that they had jus broken up so i will stop those type of "when u getting married ah? 07 07 07 sounds like a good date, and marry at 7.07pm best!" teasing. In the meantime, some other couples sprung up, tho it was a bit strange at first. The key ingredient for love seems to be close proximity and lotsa time together... like in Full House, though it doesn't always work. But lucky for me i believe in fairy tales.... plus hard work and commitment. Ha ha... think i will save money and go Korea to the prayer mountain to shout out a prayer for a wife who is godly wise funny interesting pretty (yes please) knows how to cook, and preferably speaks some English, tho i can also pray for the ability to speak in the the korean tongue.

Thought of getting a spiritual mentor who actually has time for me, and doesn't have to take care of 50 other people... who doesn't form an elite group whom he shares more with and is closer to, a group of which membership is by invitation and depends on u winning lotsa souls, and being involved in lots of things, and looking and sounding enthusiastic like the rest of them, a group that's limited to 12 people. Someone that i can be me with, without the pressure to achieve something in order to build on the friendship.

Prof Chow treated me hantong zl hanwen and some others and 3 M1s to lunch at poeny restaurant at the Conrad today. Good food, and once again she inspired us to be good docs, and to make the best of our lives. Yep.... Huaiting! Aza aza.. i will do my best.

A little story: of gorgeous flowers n tadpoles

2006-04-23T19:40:00.000+08:00

There was a lil' boy who loved gals with long hair... especially the ones who had lil' flowers in them... of a color or 2, but not too gardy. He found such a gal under a tree behind the school playing jump-rope, you know, the tree with red seeds that couples collect to make cards and stuff. He introduced himself in the only way he knew how... with a smile. He studied hard so that he could speak to her. They talked in woo hoo... Chinese and Hokkien. He named himself her protector and defended her against that evil boy with a crew-cut who kept trying to stare at her panties during naptime... more than once a week i assure you. So he got into fights that he couldn't explain to the teacher as it took too much vocab. And the gal never knew, cos the lil' boy din want to embarass her by telling her that someone else was looking at her panties.

They were good frens... and because they were the top 2 students in that class with arts and language and maths, they were allowed to choose who they wanted to dance with at the school festival at the end of the year. They danced with each other. He remembered the Chinese Costume, and the flowers in her hair, which was long and smooth and silky, and flowed as they swirled around to some folk music together.

It was the end of another day in school. They played together under the amber lights that shone through the compound leaves after everyone else has left. She stayed nearby and was accompanying him as he waited for his father to fetch him... and his father usually came only after sunset... after the gates of the school was locked leaving the boy to wait at the road side.

It was another day. Yet... it was the day the boy learnt something, and grew. For the girl had told him that they were too young to be together... and that it'll never work... cos they would soon be starting primary 1 in different primary schools. He learnt how to let go... and to wait. He learnt that grown-ups talk to each other on telephones... and that was really scary cos you never know who was on the other line. He also learnt that like himself, people move house and change numbers. And he learnt that it was possible to bask in a fairy-tale of a memory and not need to strive to possess. That simple happiness can be found there.

He looks back on everything and realises that love doesn't have to be so complicated after all. He's jus been making it all complicated.

Ahhh.... thoughts about tomorrow, about me

2006-04-23T18:39:00.000+08:00

I dunnoe what tomorrow will bring. I dunnoe who i will meet, how i will fare in the wards surrounded by people who jus got themselves cut up. I dunnoe how i will take to wearing the new mantle of responsibility.

Responsibility. It's something that i have avoided as far as possible. I wanted to stay free, carefree... in a way it's selfish. I wanted to jus relax, and do what i like, without caring for other people so much.

Everything has to be taken into context. In a world where time is not a limiting factor, i'd love to help u lead. But time has been kinda scarce these past couple of years, and i have taken to slacking and bumming q a bit, and played more computer games than i ever played in my life... If some1 jus took a look at me, and at the way i was spending my time, especially if that someone was really really driven, a go-getter sort, then i would appear like i have been wasting my time. That i was irresponsible.

But the truth is that people are who they are in a certain context. And they are someone else in another. It's so easy to attach labels... and we are so fond of doing so cos we want to simplify our world. We want to understand... to make sense of things that are a lot more complex than they actually are.

I avoided Varsity Christian Fellowship and anything to do with leadership... for more reasons than 1. One was that xh fling thing tt i felt wasn't handled too well by me, and by some others... The other reasons, are best left alone for now.

We are who we are in the context of where we are, who we are with. Nice people are not always "nice". They appear that way cos they live in a controlled environment where they can get things under control... although i must admit that there are some really nice people out there who are that way in spite of circumstance... and in any context. Most of such people that i know, or rather knew, are dead and buried. Mother Theresa, Gandhi...

It doesn't mean that we are fakes. We are not. It's just that we are not as simple as we seem to be. We don't really know ourselves... mostly cos we are afraid of the truth. And that truth is that we are more strongly influenced by the environment than we like ourselves to believe. In the end, we will find ourselves, who we are, not by looking for ourselves, not through endless hours of introspection. We find ourselves when we look into the eyes of our Maker. Then we find out what we were created for... and as we go on that journey of doing what we are supposed to do, we find out who we really are.

I seek to keep tryin to understand people, even the strangest amongst us... like Mr. Z SY. There is a reason that goes beyond the theories of personality shaped by upbring and genes. There is more to it.

I have screwed up before. That's a part of me. I am irresponsible, and i am responsible... depending on when you found me during this 26 year journey. I am that student councillor who pulled together school events, who was a lead a musical, who pulled a cell group together in army... It's inconsistent i know. But there is a choice. And there is a reason behind that choice that i made.

2nd May approaches... like a dust storm that obscures the rest of the horizon. I cannot see ahead... but i know that God is good. He is strong. And He loves me and will see me through. My HO year will be tough. But it'll be good.

And that mantle of responsibility is gonna look pretty cool on me.

I'm like a child in Your arms
I'm a father to that homeless child
I am that decision maker
I am everything, different, everywhere
Yet, i am me
Me

A whole new world

2006-04-04T14:11:00.000+08:00

A Karen refugee attending school in the US. It must be a whole new world for her... seeing things that she's never seen b4. Being ard people who muz be so tall, so strange. But a lifetime of opportunity awaits her. Does she know what she is going to do in the future? Is she making friends well in school? Are her parents with her? Is there a nightmare that haunts this young one, the very same nightmare that haunted her grandparents... The killing fields, the genocide... that's half a globe away now.

A new world awaits me. Am less than a month away from starting work in hospital... assuming i dun get a direct failure, which i dun think i will get, barring some massive unforeseen circumstances...

Amongst the things on my mind now are:
1)How to clean up my room that still looks like a war zone. Think it's easier to move house than to clean it up.
2)What to do with my remaining time: should i go overseas? where should i go?
3)Should i take some cash with me and take a bus in a certain direction and then another and then another... till i am out of SEA?
4)How do i find You Lord? I need the guidance for this new journey, that'll surely be a tough one. But how can i find You? I know the answer. But i need to live it out. Lord, help me find You... before sunset... before this day is through.

Medicine shorts

2006-03-20T14:05:00.000+08:00

Screwed up my short cases. Missed palpating a kidney, missed a left thoracotomy scar, then gave the wrong murmur for a straight-forward case, and can't come up with enough differentials. I am tempted to curse and swear... and wack myself on the back of the head with a baseball bat or get a hair-cut with a chain-saw.

Sometimes esp at times like these, i really dunno what to say. I know i am much better than this, but the examiners won't know it. All they will see is a nervous student who keeps screwing it all up.

There is nothing left to say. Let me jus praise God.

I thank You for the good times in life. I thank You for the bad times. I thank You that You've left or forsaken me, no matter how i feel. I thank You for being an intimate God who knows me thru and thru... and loves me nevertheless, despite my ugly parts that i try to hide away.

I thank you for the exams jus now, for the patients, as well as the examiners. I thank You from the bottom of my heart that i am here, able to take the exams.

I thank You for You. There is nothing else that You need to do for me other than what was done on the Cross 2000 years ago. I don't need good reasons to praise You. Let me jus do so.

My heart aches like anything, and i am disappointed with myself. But You are more than enough for me. And there are no prerequisites to draw near to You... so here i am once more.

Here's our marriage Lord... for better or worse, for richer or poorer, i am yours, even if i fail, get burnt, and get condemned by the world. At least i have You to come home to, and weep.

A little bit of destiny

2006-03-05T19:36:00.000+08:00

I grab that helmet and fit it upon my head, and adjust that visor so that i may see clearly. War is upon us, whether we like it or not. The armour creaks as i get up. It's not as well oiled as i would like it to be, but i have little choice. I eye the longsword, and remove it from the shelf, and walk out of the armoury. The armour bearer hands me a stout shield. I am ready.

The echoes of shouting and screaming resound through the cavernous passageways of this castle. Metal clashing metal, dull sounds of bones broken, flesh cleaved. The scarlet tide traces its way across the stone walkways. A crimson sun hangs heavily amidst grey melancholic clouds.

I can choose fear, or i can choose to fear One who promised He'll never leave nor forsake me. I am unworthy of such a grace that's found its home in me. I ask for mercy, not justice. I am a warrior in a war not of my choosing, in a world that's not my own, in a life that is but a transient illusion that will soon give way to something more grand, something more wondrous.

I see the him. And he has just noticed me. The enemy... I have met him before, and i still bear scars from our previous encounter, and would have perished had i not been rescued. I have no way of defeating him, and yet i must. Breathing just became a little harder. I grip the sword hilt a little tighter.... and start the run. He braces himself.

A bladedance. Sparks shower... Joints hurt from the impact. A shove, a feint. I cannot beat him, and yet i must. He knows this, and he smiles sadistically. I cannot touch him. Time slows, and stops, and everything quietens all around. Everything else becomes hazy except his movements, and my movements.

His sword finds its mark. Sharp pain blinding all my other senses.... have i failed? Is this it?

And suddenly, life seems to matter less than it always did. I am more than this mere 26 years of life. I have been paid for in full... and i will be victorious, in this life or in the next. There is no fear now, no holding back. I can do anything, for there is something bigger inside of me. I grip the shaft of blade still buried under my clavicle. He thrusts it deeper, bringing a flow of bright red arterial blood. I grit my teeth and draw myself towards my enemy. The pain is excruciating....

I see the hatred and jealousy in his eyes. I also see something else.... me. For the first time in my life i see who i really am.... a prince, a co-heir... albeit one yet to be fully trained fully. I never thought i'd learn so from the enemy. And i know why he is jealous.... that morningstar that has fallen so far.

The shaft of the blade breaks beneath my palms. The distal end i plunge into his throat with what strength remains in me. He startles, starts to sputter out blood, and falls. Shadows envelops the dying flesh and just as quickly as it came, it disappears.

I cannot kill him, but that's not my mission. That ultimate deed is left to the prince. For me, all that i have been called to do is to save my part of the world, my people. And to love them.

I slump to the ground exhausted. There will be another battle tomorrow... there will be for us, another day. Preparation is a necessity. I gather the surviving men under me and start to pray.

2006-01-30T00:27:00.000+08:00

The wondrous Cross

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And poor contempt on all my pride

Oh the wonderful cross, oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
Oh the wonderful cross, oh the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless your name

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God,
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See, from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down;
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small,
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my souls, my life, my all

Chinese New Year! A good time to consolidate what's happened since the beginning of the year, and to double check on the priorities once more. It's so very easy to get distracted by the studying and prep for exams. I need to guard my time, and be careful with it lest it be wasted. I need to guard my heart lest it be invaded. I need to guard my mind lest it be persuaded by conventions of the world.

The wonderful Cross bids me come and die and find that i might truly live. How often have i sung this song without fully reflecting on this truth. I will find that i live, only when i am willing to die. I sing this song as a prayer. Remove my pride, my vanity, the things that i count on for my identity till only You remain. May i never forget that crown of thorns that You bore, nor fail to sob at the blood trickling down Thy face, past Thy eyes filled with love and sorrow. I am sorry Lord, for forgetting, for not living in a way that truly acknowledges how You feel towards me. Capture my heart once more... I will give up all the ang pows and yu sheng in the world just to be with You. Let me never stop crying, keep my heart childlike, meek and pure, even when i start working, even things start getting complicated.

Birth pains

2006-01-26T21:34:00.000+08:00

Good things come at a price. Nothing good is ever free, even though sometimes it is not so apparent. But everything at is good is costly; somewhere along the line, someone has paid the price in order that we might get that gift for free. Such is the love of God when He gave us His Son Jesus. Salvation comes through belief in Him, and it is free, but paid at the highest price.

Letting go is hard, but that is the price we have to pay so that we can have something better, so that we can have God. The letting go of people, of time, money and energy for the sake of seeking first the kingdom of God may seem like a sacrifice to us at the time, but in the end, we are but doing ourselves a big favour.

We cling on to what is familiar to us when we are insecure, and that is precisely the thing that keeps us out of the Promised Land. Egypt might not be a pleasant place, but it is predictable, and for some, that is enough. All you have to do is to expect less, stop dreaming, and harden your heart so that it wun hurt so much each time the Pharoah's men come to take away your son to feed the crocs. Sometimes we are wise and step out of that country before it possesses us. Other times, God in His mercy has to afflict us and bring us to our knees... and make us realise that we have nothing, and that what we are really looking for, that lasts beyond the short span of 80 years, is Him alone.

God grant me the strength to let go
And the courage to embrace
God grant me the hope that endures
And a love that never faints

Snow

2006-01-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

I remember the loud buzzing noise made by the radiator, and the scream of police siren outside. It wasn't exactly a high class area. The noodles at china town didn't taste like noodles... more like pasta with water. And we found some creature comfort in lining our stomach with nutella and white bread for a couple of meals a day.

I remember the trip up north to Canada where we sat on a snow mobile to go up to Rocky Mountains where we slugged snow at each other for the first time. It was mid Summer. I never knew there could be so much space with so little people. I never knew lakes could look so beautiful... nor that the moon could be so BIG! And the stars so bright and shiny, like crystals in the sky. And i never knew that i could run my heart out and not break a sweat. And i never knew that Singapore weather was so bad for my skin complexion, cos i had skin like woohoo! when i was over there.

We were there on a trip to USA for the first time, joining my dad in his sabbitical leave. It was an experience, a strange one, somewhat "sullen" if i can ever call it that. But it was a good experience. Lots of friction, little food, lots of strange people. I got left behind in Miami airport jus like in the movies, waited a couple of hours, and the rest of my fam flew back to get me. At least it was jus a domestic flight. And i didn't get walloped.

Disneyland was fun. It was a real experience, a magical world crafted for the kids, and for those who were young at heart. I was 15... still pretty young at heart. Rollercoaster rides, educational games, lots of stuff toys 6ft in height lumbering around. There was Aladdin, n the black haired beauty, pinochio?, snow white and the dwalfs. It was a world tt made happy the world of children, even if it was jus for a little while. It gave them joy, fuelled their sense of wonder. Why was it so enjoyable? The kids were naturally happy. For the parents, it might be wonderful to see their kids happy.

Why am i remembering all that now?
It's cos that was one of the times in my life where i felt a sense of transcendance. It was one of those periods where i really felt that anything and everything was possible. There in a land of opportunity, i saw what life could be both the Disney part, and the non-Disney part. And that kindled a lil' fire inside of me. That fire must be ignited again.

For too long was the wick been left untrimmed, and the flame left fluttering, sputtering for dear life under the oppressive cloud of what many of us call "growing up" or "reality". With the exams around the corner, and the prospect of having no "life", little leisure time, and an inescapable 6 year bond to the public service, i can say tt it is easy to lose hope, to lose heart. I will have to start supporting my fam in singapore soon, and start paying the bills. The $2460 - CPF + nightcall $110/night will earn me around $2600/mth. Something to look forward to? I hate transitional states in life. I hate adjustment, tho' change is inevitable.

Snow. I first saw it in summer, in a rather unusual way. But that snow was already on the ground, not the soft fluffy erm... thing that i'd always imagined it would be. Snow, it's something that i have to remember... for me, that's a key to a different part of me, for it reminds me that there is a beauty that i have not seen, whose caress i have not felt. It represents childlike wonder, hope. It represents a final bastion, a refuge. It is through such a fuelling of desire that God reminds me that He is there, and that He is a God of Wonder... He put such desires in our hearts so that when we are swallowed up in our own world of activity and ambition and worry, we might remember to approach Him with a childlike faith once more. No wonder He loves the little children, and never found being with them a waste of time.

Abba Father, hold my hand even as i close my eyes to the worries and uncertainties of this life. I trust in You. With my eyes closed, i may stumble, but i will never fall. And with You leading, i don't need to know exactly where i am going. All i know is that You are surely, lovingly, bringing me home. Jesus, You're the sweetest name of all. Jesus, You always hear me when i call. Jesus, You pick me up each time i fall, U're the sweetest the sweetest name of all...

Wisdom

2006-01-23T20:18:00.000+08:00

Lord grant me wisdom this day, to make the right decisions in life. Here i am at the crossroads once again and i have to choose where i want to do my houseman training. This would have a large bearing on what i want to do next time.

Do i go for what i think is best to make me a better doctor, or should i be more realistic? Thought of doing the medicine, surgery and paediatrics combi, but the problem is that half the world wants to do it too, esp the paeds bit. I want to do paeds so that i can learn how to take care of kids, even if i am not goin to be a paediatrician. Think it will be useful if i go for missions and all that. But it's goin to be hard to pick this combi which i feel would best equip me for what i might want to do next time. There are 40 places for such a posting and there are 240 of us, most of whom want to do this combi. And the placement is by merit. I know where i stand, and i don't think i am in the top 40. More like top 200.

The final papers that are coming and the clinical tests take up 50%-60% of the total marks. So i can make it if i do exceptionally well. But i have been taking breaks here and there, doing everything but studying, and i am not confident at all. I need a miracle, n lots of grace.

Was worrying about all this when i felt God say to me... "Child, it's been mercy all the way." I look back upon my life and i find this to be true. I am not v smart, nor very hardworking. I am terrible at maths and languages, tho i have tried. I don't have much of a flair for music, and my singing will never allow me to be anything close to being a Singapore Idol. My IQ is jus abv average, and i suck at puzzles. But God has been very merciful. I have been brought thru PSLE, O levels A levels... doing better than i would have dreamt of. At times i had taken it all for granted and thot that i was smart. But no, it's been grace. Grace has brought me thus far, and surely, grace will lead me home. It's scary to rely on God, cos He's sometimes unpredicatable. But like Aslan in the world of Narnia, God's sometimes doesn't appear safe, but He's good.

So i worry no more; rather, i pray for wisdom to make the right decision... in 1 week's time. It's time to surrender once again.

House cleaning

2006-01-22T21:18:00.000+08:00

Cleared up more stuff from my room in search of missing transcripts that i need for the houseman job thing. Can't find it. What i found bled me. Wasn't anything much, a couple of old photos, a couple of love letters from 4 years ago... That was all. That was enough to bring me to a place of regret for the things i've done wrong, and the things that i had taken for granted. I'd loved, i'd lost. My appropriate emotional response is usually delayed. I tend to feel sad only a while after tt triggering event. But 3 years... why do the tears still flow? I guess it doesn't happen every night but still, i thought i got over that already.

Could it be that coffee that's doing funny stuff to my amygdala and limbic system? Shouldn't have drank it...

I blame it on the weatherman, i blame it on the exams. Yeah... must be it. Yeah right...

Talked to my mum. Guess i am learning something, n i am growing.

I stand alone
In the midst of nothingness
I see the blood i have shed
Without remorse
The icy wind
Warms an even colder heart
I'm not what i ought to be
No, it's worlds apart

You called me a son
Adorned me with a robe and a ring
You gave your all to me
No expectations
Complete acceptance
You love
Me

Give me
A time to cry
A time to gut myself
To purge myself of the inadequacy
Corrupting me inside
They don't know me
Like You do
They don't see the glory
They don't see the folly
They don't know the truth

I struggled then
I struggle still
Festering sores have yet to heal
I long to breathe freely
But there be cords tt bind me
And thorns that choke me
You alone can rescue me

Holy Spirit come. Have your way in me. I believe that you're making me tender hearted, and drawing me close to You once more. Enable me to reach that door where You are knocking... Help me to open that door that You might come in and dine with me. Help me to empty the studio apartment of my heart of all the distractions that seek to usurp Your rightful place in my heart. It's all about You, not about me. My life has its meaning only in the context of You. I give my heart back to You. Help me not to numb it with games and activity or even studies, as important as it may be... Help me with the root of the problem.

Last leg

2006-01-15T23:09:00.000+08:00

Pic from bday. Nice long lunch... really treasure my fam, tho i dun always know what to say. And i wun use being male as an excuse.

We'll eat wif dad soon... when i start working... will give every1 a treat.

Just finished 2 write ups... wanna peng liao. Got test this week some more and i am so unprepared.

No time. Am pretty sorry i can't spend more time chatting wif ppl and all... but it's jus a phase... for ard 3 more months. Will leave the catching up till then.

God give me strength! And sleep! Be thou a light in my heart in these dark days.

Photos

2006-01-11T00:52:00.000+08:00

http://peter.myhome.nie.edu.sg/Tor's%20Bday%202006%20gallery/

From my bro's 8meg pix dig cam. Sibei power!

26

2006-01-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

Woke up to a new day. I am 26 today. Doesn't feel like it, i still have pimples and my skin is still jus as oily; i can open an oil refinery on my pores.

Time goes by, and i am amazed at where i am today. Calls for a time of thanksgiving... I am grateful to God, and for the people in my life, who've helped me to where i am, and who will see me to the end of life's journey.

Feeling kinda sapped... with a lethargy that isn't quite removed by sleep. I recognise tt it's a season... and this season will pass, and spring will come... in about 3 months once the exams are over.

Went for a buffet lunch at a 'jap' restaurant at omni-theatre, $22 pax, not bad... ate non stop for 2 hours. Even right now at 12am i can still burp out some of that flavour of that durian puff tt i gobbled down. We all skipped breakfast, and none of us could take any dinner. And i am still not hungry haha...

Sashimi... lots of it with shoyu and wasabe...
Salmon baked
Steamed dory
Stirred fried veg
Baby oysters
Herbal duck
Herbal chicken
Chicken satay
Mutton Satay
Shark's fin
Abalone
Mussels and some other stuff i dun recognise, which my bro and sis din like and spat out haha!
Oysters
Fried prawns
Steamed dumplings
siew mai
Japanese egg dish... can't remember name
Cheesecake
Tiramisu
Icre cream
durian puff... inside it's frozen durian.. wah shiok...
Couple of grapes

Can't remember any more. Had stomachache when i came back, but that's prob cos of the ice-cream.

ok.. i try not eating tomorrow also... haha.
Got a test on thurs... Pray tt i can do well. Better sleep... long day ahead.

Thank you God for birthday! For fam frens, and everything i have. My future is in your hands oh Lord. And tho i dun know the way, i will put my trust in You as you guide me step by step, day by day. The world may be filled wif troubles and uncertainties that seem depressing, enough to make the most courageous lose heart, but let me keep my eyes on You. My eyes are on You. I will not falter.

This is an adventure with a happy ending, and tho i'd rather read about it than live it, i guess it's more meaningful being part of the plot. Jus that the drama involved can be really frightening... esp the part where You may or may not come to the rescue. Can't really say i like Your timing. But i know that it's better that way. Builds faith, strengthens relationship.

Let me never forget to live life with a sense of awe and mystery, knowing that there is something larger than life, a purpose greater than that which seems apparent. Let me never seek to write my own lil' story divorced from that great Romance that You've created, the one that spans all of time from the time Abraham received that promise, to the time Jesus was crucified. My own lil story that i write might give me a sense of control and predictability, but it'll be found lacking eventually. Grant me the grace to resist the temptation to write that shallow story that revolves around me, my career, my hobbies, my desires... They are important, but without that context that You alone can provide, i would be living in futility, instead of living a destiny.

It's wonderful to know how the story ends... us in heaven, me talking to Jesus all the time, n getting voice training lessons from the angels for that daily worship session... weekends off exploring and writing poems about all of creation. But here and now... Jesus, i need You to survive the way You want to here and now. The journey and my growth and relationship with You matter more than the destination... cos i know that part already... more or less. Right here, right now, i need to be drawn closer to You, for i don't have the strength to journey on my own... not physically, not mentally, not spiritually.

Jesus, journey with me yah? Keep me from temptation and from people who seek to harm me consciously or unconsciously, and grant me peace esp when i sleep. Help me to be more faithful to You, and not go off living out my story apart from you. Help me to be free from the lust of the flesh, the pride of life. Help me read more Bible when stressed instead of playin games.

Amen.

Friends are friends forever?

2005-12-31T09:40:00.000+08:00

Feeling sad... almost as if i jus had a breakup. Tho i think that'll be worse, but i can't really remember.. haha... it's been q long liao. Anyway, long time since i feel so sad i actually feel a heart ache.

Got up early to prepare some study notes, and being the genius that i am, i didn't save it half way. So the Word program died jus mins ago... and i lost 3 hours of work.

I can't study, but i can't sleep cos of stuff happening to my friendships with people. Long story. Started off wif a study group that was formed by some of us in the group. Included some, not others. I didn't mind more people joining, but i didn't know if i should say, cos i didn't start the group, and they wanted it kept small. I don't know if it would have made a difference what i said, but i should have tried.

Anyway, not being included really hurt those who weren't in the group. It grew to anger, prob fuelled by the anxiety and stress of the final exams around the corner. People stopped talking to one another. It got pretty bad. Friends that you thought you had for life just shunned you for the simple reason that you are part of the group. That's plain sad.

There are 2 groups of 8 people involved. One group had 5 people in the study group, the other 3. So the everyday functioning of the latter group got really screwed up, whilst the former got on fine. And the people who are in the study group who can actually do or say something don't do so, prob cos they are afraid of offending those who are not in the group. I understand, who wants to hit a fuse and risk losing friends. These people are better accepted by the rest cos they joined the group later... like 2 days after i did.

Frankly i wish that none of this ever happened. I wish i was bolder and planned for and started 2 groups simultaneously so that no one would be left out. Doing nothing is sometimes the worst thing you can do. It leaves you with regret.

What can i do now?

1)Pray
+
2)Quit the group and risk losing both group of friends or
3)Stay in the group and continue to have sleepless nights, and inability to study.
4)Start a new group that includes the rest? I think it's too late for that now.

Think i'll quit. Cos i can't study anymore. If there is a chance i can get the frens back.

Think i should get a dog. Man's best friend... faithful, loyal... a lot simpler... and i can get a hug whenever i want without looking like a gay or pervert. Give me a labrador.

Hope

2005-12-21T21:11:00.000+08:00

Hope is a precious thing.
Hope in a God who loves you and gave His Son to die for you is a powerful thing.

I will not lose hope. I will not stop dreaming of possibilities. I will not stop loving.

Let's hope.

A Father's Love

2005-12-13T20:29:00.000+08:00

"I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tunes
But there is one, that sounds above them all
The Father's song, the Father's love
He's singing it over me and
For eternity, it's written on my heart."
~Matt Redman

Perfect love drives out all fear. I had little peace for the latter part of this year. Struggled trying to make sense of the dryness of my walk. Did i sin? Probably yah, but nothing that i haven't confessed. Any unforgiveness? nothing that i can think of. So what then? Why the aching dullness and the frustration and the lack of joy?

Meeting up with a bro of mine helped shed light on this. To put it simply... I don't trust God anymore. I want to, i know i should, but as it stands, i don't feel that i can trust Him. And that's why i struggle. And that's why peace is far from me.

Why don't i trust God?

Perhaps cos i never really knew a father's love. Perhaps that. Perhaps it's the things that have been happening to me, that slowly eroded away the childlike trust without me even realising. The sicknesses that afflict me, and the ones that afflict me still. The relationship with my dad that damages me though it's been so long.... so many prayers. My failings which are so many, which doesn't seem to get better... Perhaps this. Perhaps that. Add onto it all the fact that exams are around the corner, and i am falling behind my peers, and no amount of smoking and wit will get me out of this pit. Perhaps.

I felt abandoned by the Lord. Sure He sent His Son to save my soul. But in the meantime, i feel corrupted within and without, and tortured. Why me? Why can't i be healthy? What did i ever do? Ah... the introspection that drives me away from Him.

The sermon on Sunday shed some light on this. Zecharias... the Lord remembers you. He remembers His promises to you. It might take next to forever, but He will come through for you. And when He does, you musn't say stoopid things, but you must rise up in faith, or you will kena mute for 9 months.

Lord Jesus,

Here i am before You once more. It's easy to get my mind to agree that you are good and i should trust you. But my heart has some catching up to do. I don't understand what is happening, but it just feels awful. And i don't want to think so much. So here's what i am going to do. I am going to lose myself in you.

For the things that are happening to me and around me to my family made me realise how weak i am. Like a little boat tossed about by big waves. I am not going to seem mature or grown up or wise n try to reason my way out of this. All i am goin to do, is to surrender to you. Guess you had to get my attention somehow. And though i feel it's hard to trust you, i am going to. And i will struggle with you till i lose all the tendons in my body. I want you to bless me... and prosper me... to set me free... and give me a new name, and a destiny.

Will you not remember your promises to me? Will you not love me though i am not always faithful? Will you see the tears that fall that no one sees, and hurry to me, and tell me that you are my Father, though i am abandoned? Will you be there to hold my hands when i fall, when my strength is spent, when the heartbeat wanes, and hearing and eyesight fails? Will you be there if fears come true, and i battle a failing kidney, an intractable cancer, and a pain that drives away any sleep from my soul?

If i have you, that'll be enough for me. Teach me how to see that you are really beside me, and that you're carrying me. That's all that i ask for. Grant me the faithfulness to seek you wholly, with all of my heart, for the rest of my days.

I will yet praise the Lord. That's easier than thinking too much.

Amen.

A Certain Song

2005-12-05T21:04:00.000+08:00

You know that song, the one that goes:

"What if i gave all i have,
What would that gift do?
You see my child, that gift would change the world
It would heal the multitudes..."

I first heart it from the leader that i went on a mission trip to Japan with, Carlsen, the same dude who got himself married last Sat lol... haha.. Anyway, it's been speaking to me... and challenging me. What i really gave my time, my energy, my joy, my tears... What if i really did all that? Would that really do anything? God's been saying: my child, that would heal the multitudes.

For too long have i looked at how little i had, and how unworthy and woefully inadequate i felt in this big world where spiritual giants lumber around swinging their Bibles like mighty broadswords. I had thot to myself: wa, so many zai ppl already, think i jus take it easy lar. But now, i realise that i cannot stay as i am. I have to grow. Not jus for me, but also for the ppl around me, those that i care about, even those i am struggling to love and to care about.

I dun know how to go about it, but i think losing myself and my lil petty worries and my voice in a heartfelt worship unto God seems like a pretty good way to start. Yep, that's one of the changes since dad left for thailand... i can sing whenever i want now, yes, even in the shower wa haha... and the only thing tat can stop me is when i am washing off the shampoo, cos i dun want to aspirate Head and Shoulders into my lungs. Another thing that i could do would be to read the Bible a few times a day instead of when i wake up and when i fall asleep, cos those are the worst times to learn anything. The only thing i remember sometimes is that the passage came from the old/new testament.

Steady, here we go... studies is my part-time job... gotta remind myself that. Remind me if you see me too.

ok... part-time job beckons... gotta run.

An eternal flame

2005-12-05T06:11:00.000+08:00

2 frens of mine got married over the last 2 weeks. As it is, i feel that i'm stuck in a different world from them, with my life revolving around a lot simpler things like eating sleeping studying, and hanging out with the guys. Not sure that i want all of that to change. But i know it must. The circle of ppl to go out with is slowly but surely shrinking... haha...

On the other hand, some things will probably have to. Seeing my friends get married and feeling the joy for them taught me something about h0w the Lord feels about us. There awaits a banquet, a feast for every believer to enjoy. And there's one for the unbeliever to, should they come to know the Lord. There is a love, there is a hope. There is a vow, a pledge of dedication.

The relationship that we have with the Lord will be a reflection of the relationship that we develop with other people. If we can't get our spiritual life right, then we are certainly not ready for marriage. I am too inconsistent. I am not ready. The good news is that i got some time left... maybe 60 years, maybe 70, or maybe jus one or 2 months, days... whatever the remaining duration of this sojourn, I have some time left to get it right. The exams are important, but it can wait. Let me love the Lord. Let me rest in the beauty of His presence. Let me read the Bible more, sing more worship songs, and take time to practice the presence of the Lord. May the holy fire consume me, and prepare me for a destiny of purpose, and bind me in a relationship that spans an eternity. Then, i can be, and live for something more than me.

Surgery SIP

2005-11-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

Dad left this afternoon. Wanted to send him but had to be at Changi. I could have, but i didn't. He told me not to send him cos i had to be back home and by 1pm. Man, i could have... i should have... was thinking about it, but in the end i didn't. The reason was simple... i was so caught up in some work that i was doin that i forgot.

How easy it is to forget what is important to us... so easy to lose what is important to what seems urgent at that time... to lose perspective. A bit disappointed in myself but won't beat myself up anymore over it. I surrender my relationship with my dad unto the Lord. I ask for the Lord to bless him in his new job in thailand, and to bring him friends. Most of all, i pray that his heart will be touched, and the Holy Spirit will work in his heart so that he will give his life to the Lord.

Lord, have mercy on me, on my faults, my forgetfulness. Give me the will to do what is right, and to do the right thing, at the right time.

The surgical posting at Changi is going to be tough. Have to be there at 7.30am, and we have to stick around till the evening rounds around the wards are done, which starts anything from 4.30 to 6. Today, it didn't happen even at 8.30pm, and the MO who saw us told us to go home. Hope it won't be like that for the other days. It's kinda sapping, and i really dun noe how anyone studies when they go home. Anyway, 3 more months to MBBS. 3 more months... God have mercy.

thanksgiving for medicine SIP

2005-11-17T20:37:00.000+08:00

Lord,

I thank You for bringing me through the medicine SIP. I confess that my attitude isn't as it should be all the time. Forgive my complaining attitude about waking up early, going back late. Forgive my disgruntlement towards the people i had to work with at the start of the posting, and my gossiping. Forgive me the times when i tried to handle everything thru my own strength, by playing more com games and sleeping long long hours instead of turning to you.

Teach me brokenness, teach me humilty, and a dependence on You for everything, even in the face of stress. Let the times of trouble be ones that draw me closer to You. And let me shine from amidst the comfort of Your embrace, not reacting to circumstance, but acting according to Your will. Keep me humble and teachable, for my faults are many, and i need Your grace. I cannot do this on my own. I cannot do this alone. I want not a partnership, for i am not faithful enough with the charge that is given me. I know myself too well. I ask only You to take complete control as i seek to surrender every aspect to You. I want it to be immediate, but i know it is not possible. But let me be changed from day to day, from glory to glory.

Give me enough joy to be my strength at all times... for i cannot love patients or others out of myself... i know i would only use them, i need ur love to fill my heart first.

Give me the power to surrender the things that are dear to me. Give me the power to surrender the things that worry me... the friendships that seem beyond repair, the studies which plague me with thoughts of failure doom despair as i look at some of the M3s who r sibei3 zai. Help me not to waste time looking at chio HOs and MOs and nurses, but help me to trust in You wrt to tt area of my life. If it'd be ur will, let me be joyfully single so tt i can serve u more.

Amen

Limit break

2005-10-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

I feel I am really pushin the limits. Hanging on by God's grace alone. Am having a really tough time in TTSH. For some reason, the HO there is being a real pain to me, and i dun really know why. Maybe it's cos i came at 9.30 on the 1st day but that's cos i had a briefing. Or maybe it's cos i came at 8.15 today, but hey, it's 15 mins, dun need to be such a pain to me for the whole day. Maybe it is the speech i gave to the team i gave abt how useless and inappropriately timed this student internship posting is. If she's holding that against me, then she's got issues, cos i wasn't directing any of that against them.

It's real funny, cos i am actually a year older than her... jus that army set me back some. And i take back the good feelings i had towards all Filipinas. I love them, but the MO in this team ain't the friendliest around. None of the warmth that i had always associated with them. She's helpful at times, but hey, a little empathy and care will be nice. The other people in the team are quite nice, but i dun get to work with them! And the nice ones are the males in this case. Haaha...

1 week is almost over... actually... not quite. man i can't wait for this to be over. I am always so tired, and i come back brain dead, zonked... no heart to mug any more. 19 weeks plus to the exams.

I think i will shuck the books and pray more liaoz for a miracle. I am beginning to feel awfully desperate. Last minute muggin really doesn't work in Medicine.

God mercy!!!! And grant me favour with the people that i work with, and help me learn as much as i can and do as much as i can during this period. But most of all, help me to honor You in all that i do, and to grow closer to You during this period.

Farewell friday

2005-10-22T02:13:00.000+08:00

Farewell Friday. I will miss the ups and downs of the week. I will miss all the quarreling or the conspicuous lack of it. But the weekend's here, and so the week has got to go.

Guess everyone's kinda all geared up for the big day tomorrow. I'm not totally into it. Guess I got other stuff on my mind, and some stuff to let go off. Not tomorrow, but now. Beneath here lies all the broken toys.

a little rain

2005-10-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

Things are heating up at home once more, and I am praying for an end to it all. Lord, have mercy, for we are weak, and like a flower, we are fragile, easily hurt by everything, even the rain.

Dad is home from thailand. Prob didn't secure the job in thailand jus yet and is prob anxious, afraid of rejection. He takes his frustration back home cos he does not know how to release it elsewhere. There is a major renovation going on at home now as he looks out for things to fix, and makes a big deal out of it. For now, it's the ceiling that has the water thingie that makes the paint puff up and flake off. Later, I don't know what else he would want to fix. When the home is done, I pray that he will not turn to us and try to fix us. As it is, we have to we’ll him in his projects and help to clean up, lest he blows up. And we kiddoes are al trying to study for exam.

I try to think that he is doing all of this for us, for our good, thinking perhaps that sometimes we don't appreciate what he is doing. But it gets hard to think this way, cos after a while, it doesn't make sense. If you are doing it for people, then you won't treat them like that, placing the project over the relationship.

He doesn't do it for us. He does it for himself, to try to quiet the tumultous feelings that he is grappling with now. He is vulnerable, and dependent on the goodwill of others for his job, and it is not a pleasant feeling. He has never been succoured, and doesn't know how to find the way to with negative feelings. He takes it out on us: mum, me, me bro and me sis.

He is going to go back again at the end of this month. I pray that he can secure the job and leave us alone.

Well meaning outsiders sometimes say cliché things like "pray for him and it's up to you to change him".
They never know what they are talking about. I feel like beating them up and dragging them home to live with me so that they can understand the situation a bit better.

It's funny how all these things are happening as the rest of the family is tryin to rise up spiritually. It's no coincidence. We need to pray. The only thing is that I really feel very tired now. The emotions from the day the door got broken down has finally caught up with me, and I am starting to feel it all. Yep, always happens this way... I always feel it a while later. After the relative 'high' on saturday, I am feeling kinda low. And fragile, like a flower in the rain. Oh God have mercy on this family.

CMDF Dinner

2005-10-16T23:37:00.000+08:00

Aint the best pic around, but the my pda's cam doesn't work well in artificial lighting. Better than nothing i guess. That's the medical students who turned up for the Christian medical dental fellowship annual dinner held at Laguna Golf and Country Club.

It was quite a week, and saturday was really quite a day to remember. And my heart is full of thanksgiving.

Let me start with Friday. On friday, i had a neuro tutorial in SGH in the morning, then went to KK hospital for a paeds tutorial in the afternoon, finished at 4.30pm. My head was full of protocols and action plans for asthma. i was thinking of either going down to Singapore Press Holdings to have the virtual make-over and seeing what i might look like with a different set of eyes and nose or something i dun noe what... no moles?? Either that or go with my bro Jamie for dinner.

But 4.30pm, Prof Chao from SGH snuck out from her meeting to give us a tutorial. Rushed down, looked at dismay at the long cab queue. Waited. Got in cab at 4.45pm, got to SGH. Ran around looking for the tutorial that had started... 5pm. Finally found them... could hear her voice from down the corridor. HW was being questioned on spleen this and that and how in the world it got so big in this lady. Felt like wa, this prof super loud muz be quite fierce, but later decided that she was super nice, and a super good teacher, really enthusiastic. I prayed the tutorial wun end so early cos i had jus paid $7+ to come down. Muz make my money worthit.

Tutorial ended close to 7.30pm. ZL had come from Brewerkz earlier in the afternoon after taking on the $3 per pint deal, and he was concussing. HT couldn't understand what she was asking and i really had a hard time as well cos she talked so fast. But it was really good, and it was one of the best tutorials i've had for quite a while. Loved the way she handled the patients with authority, and yet also with care, like a good mother, unlike wussy docs out there who appear nice and polite but are actually afraid to offend patients lest they kena a complaint letter. Best part was... Prof is not married.... i think... no ring... ok, ok i am kidding. Really.

Thank God for the tutorial and the favour shone me.

7.30pm. Called Jamie and the rest of the guys up cos they were interesting in DOTAing (LAN Gaming).

8.15pm. Me and ZL and HJ meet up near Paradiz and ate Wanton mee while waiting for Ian and Jamie and HA to arrive. We talked about our different plights. ZL and I no gals. HJ got too many gals so dunnoe how. Every1 not totally contented. Guess muz jus be thankful for what we have.

9.15pm. Everyone arrives... after 1 whole week of stress i wanted to release some.

12am. I lost all 3 games... more stressed and upset than before i started. Thankfully Jamie and HA drove so sent us all home.

After a nice chat with Jamie, i slept at 2am.

Sat 7am. Got up to go to NUS to have something like an oral exam on how to tell patients who have epilepsy that they need to quit their job, and to counsel mothers on how to give their asthmatic children the puffer thing and to do it properly.

9.30am. Studied in school and had lunch.

1.30pm made my way down to church. Was starting to feel really tired.

2pm. Talked to sec school kids in my cell and tried to break ice till Danny the boss arrived. every1 talked abt 1 good thing and 1 bad thing that happened during the week.

1 boy very cute. Good thing was exam finished. Bad thing was he had a break. I was confused. Break good what... i said, can go do other stuff like slack and watched movies... thinking he might be feeling down cos suddenly got nothing to do. Then he said, not that kind of break. I blur blur ask him what kind of break, then realised it's the boy-girl kinda break. Of course have to sayang him. Really feel for these dudes... dunno how it muz be like to let go of someone at that age.

3.15pm Danny arrived, we got chased out of our room cos we din book, and scurried like ants ard marine parade to share the room with another cell. I led worship. Then got new comers so had to play the remember name, school and hobby game. Got like 15+ ppl and my brain cell was really working overtime liaoz... real sleepy.

4.30pm I left MParade to go for the CMDF function. Drove there cos dad not around. Missed exit... almost ended up in Changi Airport.

5.15pm I arrived at the country club and went thru my worship one last time and made some last minute changes. Linus my new CMDF student rep suddenly called me asking for lift from MRT. I din noe how to go and was so sleepy so i had to ask him to find his way here himself. Realised too that i had missed his SMS at 4.15pm asking for a lift. Had i checked, i could have given him a lift. Too tired to think. Shouldn't have went out late, but last time Jamie would be around with us for this year.

5.35pm Linus arrives. We went to settle the sound and rehearse the songs. 1st time rehearsing with Linus cos he was having tests and couldn't make it for the rehearsal on Monday with Dr Siew Ping.

6.30pm Dr SiewPing arrives and i was panicking cos we haven't practised together. Rhythm was off, key for song was too high, n we had to get rid of parts of the song that ppl might not know.

7.00pm Practised and Dr Goh told us that we didn't flow, and maybe we had to alternate instruments in the worship. Tired... so tired liaoz... and stressed. Had to pray. Stopped our rehearsal and i prayed, and surrendered it all to the Lord. My efforts at organising the rehearsal, and thinking of good stuff to say... all these i placed on the altar... along with the fears that i have of zao xiaing (singing out of tune) that usually happens when i am nervous, fears of looking like a fool ( i jus prayed that i'll concentrate on one thing only, and that is worshipping and exalting the Lord). Surrendered it all... Rehearsed again. Voice was still shaky and i was trembling both the cold and the propect of leading worship in front of 200 doctors, who may or may not join in the worship. But i had surrendered it all... my pride, my expectations. And decided that that most important thing that myself Linus and Dr Siewping had to do was to worship the Lord as David did.

7.45pm. Programme starts. Worship begins. I stammered a little as i told the ppl to turn to their left and their right and shake hands and say "It's time to worship the Lord." (yah, FCBC tradition also). Then i told them that it was now time to ignore the ppl around them and to worship the Lord, and not to be paiseh of zao xiaing cos i, the worship leader was prob going to zao xia. Read Psalms 27, and exhorted them to seek the Lord with all of their hearts, just as David did. Then i said a prayer inviting the Holy Spirit to come and have his way in us. And then we started.

The Holy Spirit came. Saw people singing their hearts out jus as i did. Decided that the few who didn't join in were like some of my friends in Danny-Evelyn tribe who worshipped God in their hearts and were just as sincere. Great is thy Faithfulness... Ascribe greatness to the Lord... Jesus we enthrone you. Paused before the last song and asked everyone to pause for a moment to remember their first love, and to place everything on the altar again... their families, careers, hopes, dreams, disappointments, hurts... Then we sang "Jesus, we enthrone you" as a song of surrender to the Lord. It was good, and i pray that we would live with the same conviction that we had when we sang that song in unity, with one voice. Switched back to the chorus of Ascribe greatness... ended with:

"A God of faithfulness and without injustice
Good and upright is He" x 2

8.30pm It was a buffet dinner but i ate like 1/3 of what i usually ate. Was still nervous cos i had to present my experience on the India elective that i had gone on. All that good food... sigh... but i didn't want to burping and having a postrandial half-way thru my presentation. Was still chewing on a piece of watermelon when i was called back up on stage. So fast ah??? Ok, clean my mouth, sip some water, wipe my mouth clean, and off we go. Jia lat, everyone still eating who will listen?

God will.

45 slides... I talked shared my experience in the 2 hopitals in India, the differences in the healthcare, and the things that we did. People started to listen. But i was speaking for the Lord, no longer seeking to attain the type of significance that the world offers, but the heavenly treasures that the Father offers.

The most important part of the presentation was at the end, where i would challenge the doctors to rise up as role-models for the younger generation of doctors and students for the need was great. And as i shared about the doctors that i met there and their exemplary lives, people started to listen.

At one point i was telling them about a cardiologist and the way he was loving the people, and the ops he did. Then i realised i didn't know what on earth he actually did. So i said he was good at doing some about valves and poking holes here and there. Then i felt paiseh so i apologised to the docs who might have taught me before, who were in the crowd. I promised them tat i would study harder after the dinner, but tt they should be proud of me cos i was there at the dinner, and not studying at home. They laughed, and i felt paiseh, but from that point, even those who had been talking before stopped talking as they tried to find out what the joke was about. It paved the way for me to get the thrust of the presentation across, cos now everyone was listening. I didn't plan for this, and it was the Holy Spirit once again, working thru my weaknesses, my sillyness, my tiredness.

It was one of the best presentations i'd ever given. In fact, it was the best... and although i did prepare for the talk, God must have been preparing the hearts.

"I stand here on behalf of the medical students and the younger doctors (i forgot the dentists... sigh) and ask of you to be our role models, because the need is great, both here in Singapore, n abroad in places like Pakistan. Even though there have been attempts to keep Christianity out of the hospitals, we need to rise up, or who will teach the younger generation? You need to teach me, to teach us, more than just medicine. You need to teach us how to love God, and love people with all of our hearts."

Something like that... can't remember... cos lots of it jus came on the spot, and I changed quite a lot of stuff as i stood up there.

There was a lot of clapping and all that, but for once, just once, pride was far from me... and i had given it my all, and a lot of it sprang from my brokenness, my own heart's cry for role models and people in authority who will look out for me and groom me to be the man of God that i was created to be. I truly believe that the need is great. I pray that they will respond... and not jus them, but the other docs who are out there.

Prayer works. But more than that, prayer draws you to the Maker, and binds your heart with His is a relationship that's more precious than most of what we ask for... unless we are asking God for more of Him haha... I learnt that God moves when we are broken, empty, poured out unto Him. I learnt that He uses imperfect people, and chooses to shine through them.

And more than anything, I felt His love for me that night.

For I had struggled with loneliness in Medicine. Not that i didn't have friends, i have lots of them, and am privileged to have been the class rep for the 1st year so i mix quite easily. But i lacked the type of kindred spirit that i longed for, that i had in RJC... I have close friends outside, but it's hard to explain what my life is all about, and a large part of my life is now taken up by medicine. These few years have been a real desert for me, and the CMDF dinner highlighted it all the more. I sat at a table where i knew only 1 person... Dr Siew Ping. Of the 200+ people who were there, i can't say i was really close to any of them, tho i could share my heart with some of them. I was the only one from my year. I joked and laughed with the younger med students nevertheless.

That was my time, that night there in that hall. These few years have been tough. It's going to be over soon. But i take heart in this, that the room was filled with broken people. The main speaker had a son with a serious incurable illness, and the guy on my right who had lost his wife and daughter in an accident. The agony they feel now and then must hit them like a train, but they still love the Lord jus as i do. I am not alone. They are not alone. Grant me their type of faithfulness, and heal our broken hearts. The Lord's grace is sufficient for us.

God, let me learn the lessons that You've planned for me to learn. Let me lean on You and not on Man. And let me offer up my broken heart, my fallen-thru plans, and my hopes and dreams for intimacy... i rest it all in the palm of Your hands. Grant me health and wholeness in place of the disease and brokenness.

I do not understand what is going on in my head and heart half the time... Nor do i bother to understand anymore. I jus want to have the heavenly wisdom, that will to surrender, and that heart full of peace, knowing that no matter what happens, I'll be ok, cos You'll never leave or forsake me.

Holy Spirit, change me and move thru me. Give me a heart that seeks hard after You, and keep me from sin. Grant me the grace to run this race well to the journey's end.

Amen.

A beggar

2005-10-13T19:04:00.000+08:00

Acts 3: 1-11
As Peter and John were passing by, he asked them forsome money
v 3.But peter said, ‘We don’t have any money for you! ButI will give you something else! I command you in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk!
v 6.Then peter took the lame man by the hand and pulled him to his feet. And as he did, the man’s feet and ankle-bones were healed and strengthened so that he came up with a leap, stood there a moment and began walking! Then, walking, leaping, and praising God, he went into the temple with them
v 7-8.When the people inside saw him walking and heard him praising God, and realized he was the lame beggar theyhad seen so often at The Beautiful Gate, they were inexpressibly surprised! They all rushed out to Solomon's Hall, where he was holding tightly to Peterand John! Everyone stood there awed by the wonderful thing that had happened.

What can i learn from this?

1) It's good to ask... you never know if you're going to get what you want, or if you are going to get something even better. So let's pray!

2) Rise up... sometimes you really got the gift or miracle, and you need to move on, and make urself useful.

3) Be at the right places... no use begging in a quiet corner. No use looking for friends in solitary confinement, or for a wife in the army... cos very few gals there, and hmm... unless you want to go "Yes Mam!" twenty times a day and do all the dishes and babysit all the babies. She'll probably say "They're your fault!" and chuck the hapless lil creatures on you before she runs off to KTV, Mahjong and oogle at Baey Yo Jin or something like that
with her kakees. And the only way you know what she's up to is from the letters from ur credit card company.

I ask for the strength and the faithfulness to run this race to the finish. I ask for self-control and wisdom so that i will do the right thing at the right time. I ask for health that i might make the most of my life. I ask for peace that i might be a pillar to those who are struggling without being so affected by anyone's plight that it cripples me. I ask for a wife so that i can know the joy of truly loving someone, and be a blessing to her, and she to me. Let there be value-added lives from the relationship, and let us be a blessing to other people, otherwise no point... waste time, money and feelings.

What if?

2005-10-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

What if i did what my heart told me to? As in, i really pay attention to what it said, and did the things that it told me to do?

And what if my heart was totally given to the Lord? What if i make every desire go through the testing of the flames of righteousness, and measure every thought with the yardstick of holiness in Christ? What if i did all these things? What would happen to me?

Would i be boring, and put off the rest of the world? Would i lose all relevance to them, and be better off in a closet with a bag of chips and a T.V?

Would i be torn asunder by the conflicting desires in me, as the black dog in me refuses to be tamed? Will i become confused, unsettled, a wandering insomniac who finds comfort only when he loses himself in a drink or in work?

What if everything that was said is true? What if i only have 1 life to live, and the other one is in heaven? What if prayer really works, and there is a really a God? What if God really loves me and sent His Son down to save me?

By living life the way i am living now, i will not lose anything. For if there is no God, and everything's a lie, then all that would have happened is that i made
1) a very unique set of friends
2) spent a whole lot of money on tithes and offerings
3) spent less time with some friends and family
4) didn't make it up onto the Dean's list

1) a very unique set of friends - It's really precious to see a whole bunch of broken lives, with broken dreams and broken hearts come together and see something beautiful happen to us at the end of the day

2) spent a whole lot of money on tithes and offerings - I can't take my money with me when i die. No big deal.

3) spent less time with some friends and family - one of the biggest setback, but i have to go and receive, before i can have something to give. And in the end, everyone is better off because of it.

4) didn't make it up onto the Dean's list - I think i was too distracted having fun and never tried that hard. Not that i would have made it anyway haha...

What if?

There is nothing left to say... cos some things are no longer "what if"s, but are certainties... like the Father's love for me, no matter the pains in my life. I believe, and thus i read the Bible, and then i choose to truly live.

Braving the new week

2005-10-10T09:25:00.000+08:00

A whole host of things seem to be happening to the people around me in church. Family problems and fights that require police intervention, deaths of loved ones, heart aches... I am not the only one. It's funny why it's all happening at once. It's as if we were about to embark on a new phase of our journey, an all-important phase, and some1 doesn't want us to go anywhere.

Now, another earthquake in south Asia has just resulted in over 30,000 dead. Tough times. I wonder how many wake-up calls the world needs before people really start to live differently. But i guess there is that spiritual element involved, and people are in bondage to sin, and that's why it can be impossible for them to break free on their own.

I pray that i will be able to keep things in perspective, that i will live bravely fully, without worry. That i will take time to grow the seed of faith that has been planted in my heart, that i will truly be changed from glory to glory, from day to day.

Lord, here i am. I lay my worries and fears and confusion down at the feet of the Cross. I take Your yoke upon me, and choose to rest in Your arms like a child once more. Grant me that purity of heart, and that singularity of purpose... that i will not be shaken, but will be able to be strong for my family and friends.

To Love

2005-10-09T13:06:00.000+08:00

To love someone is a choice. It takes time and effort, and a great deal of commitment. When it hurts you, it takes nothing short of a miracle. And that's why i believe in God... 'cos i can still love.

The sermon on Saturday was good, though i couldn't remember parts of it cos i dozed off despite my best efforts to stay awake. The word was on the parable of the sower, and the seeds that found good soil, and those that did not. The seeds that represent those with hardened and stubborn hearts were those that fell onto the pavement and quickly got gobbled up by the hungry crows mad with bird flu (my own paraphrase).

The seeds that represent the hearts that are in church for secondary gains such as to pao4 niu1 or to see yandaos.. ahem... or jus to feel good, well these are the seeds that end up in the shallow soil. Super enthusiastic at first, but later on, unable to grow further cos the motives were wrong, and the wrong motives didn't change... (like most of us came for the wrong motives lar, but the motives changed along the way as we saw the reality of God in our lives).

The third type of seed represent those who are overwhelmed, "swamped" by the things in life, be it happiness or sadness or fear or anxiety... it might be studies or work problems, or relational conflicts or the striking absence of the ability to even have relational conflicts cos you got no one in your life who can be bothered to fight with you.

The 3rd category probably represent me right now... choked by the thorns of life that other people like Paul somehow found the strength in God to embrace. The events of the past week leave me very drained and i feel strange as usual. Studies, family conflict, problems within the clinical group, plus stress from having to lead worship and do a presentation this coming sat in front of the whole bunch of docs for the Christian medical dental fellowship dinner... and trying to help and pray for bro who lost $5k to some guy who said he needed money for his mother who has leukemia but now looks more like a cheat and absconded back to the Msia.

I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed at Your mercy
That the God of forever, would share it together with me
I am amazed that You chose me
I am amazed that You show me
All the love of the Father, taking me farther
Than anything i've ever seen
I am amazed

I guess i have been too passive with regards to everything around me... preferring to let things happen and live in my comfort zone, afraid of reaching out too far. God spoke to me and said that unless people rise up and take the ground that is before them, there will be lives that will never know the love of God... nor the comfort of the Holy Spirit. I have to pray more, n have started with my brother last night. It starts with my family. So Lord, help me.

Funny

2005-10-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

Dad got mad again... broke down my door and was shouting. I literally ran cos i felt that he was going to go on and on nagging and things would start to get ugly. I could have stayed and jus get all the verbal abuse and rubbish and get nagged. He wanted me and my brother to help clean the toilet, and was asking if we think we should help, and why are we so lazy, how we were sloppy (well, true...) and got no character, and was irresponsible and was going to put us down again and again and again. But i jus couldn't take it anymore... i jus told him in my normal voice that i will clean the toilet the way he wanted to and he should jus tell me, and not ask questions like do you know how to clean the toilet? No, that's not how you should clean the toilet. Why do you not know? Because you are so lazy you never help (not true), because you never help at home, treat it like a hotel. I told him to tell me how to clean the toilet the way he wants it.

Me not wanting to listen to his crap made him mad and he started shouting. And tho i am 25 and can fight, it wun be fair cos i wun lay a finger on him, only defend, and i din want to get hearing loss for 2 weeks like the last time i got punched. I was scared, the lil kid in me remembered the past when the voice got raised this high, and so I turned and ran into my room. He ran too and tried to stop me from closing the door. He was shouting and banging hard on the door now, asking me to open. Of course i didn't dare, sure kena wack one at this stage.

He jus wants to vent his frustration on someone, something, cos he's stressed... partly from working all day on the ceiling that was showing cracks from the water seeping from the neighbour's toilet upstairs ( ah the joy of being a heartlander), partly from not knowing whether he got a job in thailand cos he asked for q a high salary. And i understand all this now... and understand how he clicks and works and feels, thanks to my psychomed posting, so it made me less mad and more accepting of him.

But it still hurts, it always does. the careless words said, and the fact that i cannot say anything in return, nor can i do anything other than try to block should he try to hit me. It's like back to the bad old days... back when i was younger and got beaten for things that weren't my fault... when he took it out on us when he couldn't take the stress at work. I'm 25... and i know more about how the world works now.

I know that i have a dysfunctional family... we dun eat together, and events like christmas and chinese new year only reminds me of what i don't have. It wouldn't be too bad if i was in Afganisthan and the other kids' dads are all cigar smoking, AK47 swinging men, n their mums' were veiled women who cry "allah!" and then go to meet the wrong Maker amidst a big bang, lots of smoke and spilled blood, n lots of ang moh lives lost.

It's sad, and what's sadder is that i am somewhat used to it now... how we never do anything or go out together, other than me mum and sis and bro who go out together like 1x a year. I pray every other day that i wun be like my dad. And tho i pray that things will change... i only half believe that it will. I wanna ask why this and why tat... and i am holding on to my belief that God is good, and trying to trust Him and believe that FAther God is not like my biological father.

I only pray that if i have a family of my own one day, i will be able to do a good job, love my wife and kids, and bring home enuff bacon. Not too much that the kids will be spoilt, but not too little that my wife can't make her frens jealous with the occasional shopping spree.

Jus cleaned up the broken door, and the toilet. http://percussmegallbladder.blogspot.com/
Where i say almost everything that pops into my mind. Beware though...

Lord, i don't understand what is happening. But i leave it all into Your hands. Help me to be able to concentrate and study, and help me to do the right thing and to say the right thing. Give me wisdom, and grace. Give me peace. Most of all let me know that You care for me and U love me, and that You are in control... no matter what the world may throw at me.

1 week

2005-10-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

1 week to stone and relax or catch up on studies...
one week to think and contemplate as i always do on life and the issues like studies and how to study and how to relax so that i can study better. wonderful woo hoo!

Feel like tokking in singlish from now on... easier to think...
all the pri skool teaching bad bad one cos they make us so formal we cant reely tink like we feel u noe wat i meen? Makes me feel so detached from the rest of the world... but i not used to singlish.

Ok...

Things i wanna do this week.

1)study 5 hours a day... die die also muz study
2)take out me stitch before they get lost somewhere in my body and tangle up my intestines
3)let God speak to me as to wat i am doing in medicine again. I got short term memory... forgot already.
4)Meet up wif some old frens
5)sleep more... at least 8 hrs a day.

tink i prob cannot do all of these. prob have to give up the sleep bit....

2005-09-25T01:27:00.000+08:00

aeroplane game... never knew it involved so much thinking
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:26:00.001+08:00

the oldest gets to blow the candle haha
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:26:00.000+08:00

Making a big big wish ....
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:25:00.001+08:00

Bday boys and gals
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:25:00.000+08:00

Bday boys and gals... 2 ppl not singing... the usual suspects. What was danny doing? I can't remember hahaha...That bright thing behind is not the moon by the way.
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

Who didn't close eye???
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:23:00.000+08:00

wa..... my 10x zoom still cannot peek at ur heart.
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

Come, let's share what every1 wrote abt you... Hmm.. mine says tor you are so yandao i love you... from tor....
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:20:00.000+08:00

I bet there is someone behind eddie... else he looks q funny...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:19:00.001+08:00

Wait... haven't finish ... dun move... dun breathe....
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:19:00.000+08:00

I'm stuck on you....
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:18:00.001+08:00

Oh... i use my pen to scratch your back can? Where's the itch?
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:18:00.000+08:00

Something abt paul...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:17:00.001+08:00

Something farnie was said.
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:17:00.000+08:00

Who wants to lead a new cell group? Yes... i see your hand... yes you... dun turn ard... haha...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:16:00.000+08:00

Pastor Laifan says no pics pls...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:15:00.001+08:00

Pastor roland and laifan!!
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:15:00.000+08:00

??
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:14:00.002+08:00

Can anyone remember what was happening? i can't remember.
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:14:00.001+08:00

A bit dark sorry...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:14:00.000+08:00

Spiritual father to the right....
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

*Go to bridge, go to bridge*...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:12:00.002+08:00

Thou shall not slack in bunk when it is worship time...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:12:00.001+08:00

SEBAS
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:12:00.000+08:00

Ok, shi xiong wins the baby photo contest...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:11:00.000+08:00

I wonder what sebestian said... haha...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:10:00.001+08:00

Shy shy...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:10:00.000+08:00

Flower? ... Orchid!
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:09:00.000+08:00

$10 for the person who guesses whose sexy hand it is...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:08:00.001+08:00

Hit you? no i can't... but if you really insist...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

Eh bro, muz look cool with electric guit lar... not cute.
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:05:00.000+08:00

Shixiong: Prayer is powerful... Yaohan: Yes... V V V powerful...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:03:00.000+08:00

Aiyoh... so loving... I face red liaoz..
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:02:00.000+08:00

Harlowz...
Memories...

2005-09-25T01:01:00.000+08:00

Wa... yandao... nice phone ivan.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

me eat mike cos me hungry...
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:58:00.000+08:00

Band is preparing...
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:57:00.001+08:00

I making sure ppl doing QT and not being kaypoh.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

Candy: Wassup yo??
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

Male bonding by sharing blanket in cold room.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:54:00.001+08:00

Me and me breakfast.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

A happy camper at the last cluster camp.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:49:00.000+08:00

Oops... sorry danny i think i spoilt your photo.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:48:00.001+08:00

Blackout!
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:48:00.000+08:00

Older men and younger boyz in black...
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:46:00.000+08:00

Older men in black... still cool after all this time.
Memories...

2005-09-25T00:45:00.000+08:00

Tai long 3: When i get mad, my hair goes frizzly... you do not like me when my hair goes frizzly... I tend to get violent.
Memories...